Strong family binding in Pakistan: A blessing or a curse for women?

Last month, early October 2012, I had a chance to visit Pakistan for Raising Her Voice Peer Learning, and learn from many amazing resource persons from among the women leaders, human right activists, NGO activists as well as ordinary women in Jhelum, Sialkot and Lahore. Referring to my readings, discussions as well as observation in the field, I got the sense that Pakistan society is indeed has a very strong family binding. The strong family binding is not limited to nuclear family, but also includes immediate relatives, distant relatives, tribe members, friends, and neighbours. Loyalty to the family comes before other social relationship.

For women life strong family binding culture can be seen as two sides of a coin: it is a blessing in one side and a curse on the other side. The blessing side is the family’s social protection to women. When a father passed away, the elder brother of the family takes responsibility to take care of his sisters and the younger brothers. A divorced woman can always return to the family house for support.

One of my friend who has been living in Pakistan for 3 years, told me about the positive of strong family binding in awe. As a development worker he has travelled a lot to many places in Pakistan, he admired how family can play a role as a reliable social safety net for some one in crisis – when they are divorced by the husband, left by the father, threatened by other family or experienced a business turn down – they can always seek protection from the extended family. A woman can find a haven in the family house: shelter, foods, and sometime also some monthly allowance.

Typically a Pakistani family has big members consists of a father, a mother, male children and their wives, unmarried girls, grandchildren, and sometime some other relatives in one house. Gender based division of household tasks are common. All the grown up girls and daughter in laws are normally responsible for cooking and clean up the house. On the other hand the father and the brothers are responsible to earn money for the family. In a family structure, the elders have more powerful authority than the younger ones. On the top of the family structure sits a mother who is well respected by all family members.

Considering the family structure and division of task, a girl is considered as less valuable than the boy. It is because when the girl grown up, she will leave the family serving her husband’s family. While on the other side, a boy will keep staying in the family after married and is supposed to play a role as the family backbone i.e. working to earn family income and protect the family from harm. 

Since the family plays as a basic of social structure in Pakistan society, individual identity will always relate to the family. And here comes the curse part: individual choice – especially for women – is frequently considered as less important than collective family decision. Under such situation, arranged married and exchange married are common. The family prefers to strengthen their family binding trough arranged married. However when close family married can not be arranged, when married into an acquaintance family can not be avoided, they will prefer to have an exchange married. A girl married the brother of her sister in law, as an exchange for the brother married. This arrangement is done to ensure that their in law will take good care of their daughter. This whole system shows that factually a woman is married to the whole family member – not only to the husband. Marrying a family is much more complex than marrying a single individual. Power relation within the family will involve a woman with multi power holders – the husband, mother in law, father in law, brothers in law, sisters in law, uncle, aunt, nieces, nephews and so on. Under such complex power relation within a house, a young married woman is prone to subject of harassment and violence by other more powerful power holders in the family.   

In one of the RHV peer review meeting I met Afdah, a young woman whom just divorced by his husband. Her divorce shows a complex power relation within her family. Afdah married was arranged by the family, this is something common in Pakistan. However her married was not a typical arrange married, she was arranged to married a guy whose sister married to Afdah’s brother. In short she is the victim of exchange married. Later when Afdah’s brother got divorced with his wife, Afdah’s husband was forced by his extended family to divorce her as an act of revenge.Having no body to support, she is now staying in Darul Aman – a shelter centre provided by local government of Jhelum – while filling the case against her ex husband for family income support.

There are many cases worst than Afdah’s. Aurat Foundation recorded 8.539 cases of violence against women in Pakistan in year 2011 only. Those violence acts are included forced marriage, domestic violence, acid throwing, kidnap, murder, rape, honor killing and other kind of violence. Since 2009 Oxfam Pakistan and it’s partner – Aurat Foundation – has been working restlessly to address those issues though Raising Her Voice Project. In the ground they increased the awareness of women of their rights through community action committees. They also smarty played advocacy strategy by forming joined influential women forums called “50 woman leaders”. The “50 woman leaders” consist of influential women who play leadership in diverse arenas as such teachers, health workers, social workers, government officials, lawyers, and member of parliaments. Through regular meetings women leaders discussed issues especially related to women’s rights and tried to find solution. When I was in Lahore, I was surprised of their incredible efforts in supporting the local government of Punjab to adopt a new law on Domestic Violence. Member of parliaments from different political parties as well as government officials we invited in a policy dialogue to support the policy.

Looking at 2011 data released by Aurat Foundation, I am aware that violence against women is still very serious problem in Pakistan. However I saw the work done by Oxfam in Pakistan and Aurat Foundation through RHV project have been achieve so many changes. It make me optimistic that the situation will be changed in the near future.