Poligamy of the week

A'a Gym, the most popular kiai (Islamic cleric) in Indonesia was getting married again with a 37 year old widow. I was shocked by this news. How come this respectable soft spoken kiai can choose to be a poligamous him self. What the reason? His wife just looks fine; healthy, good looking enough, caring, loving, and they have 7 children already.

I really don't understand and soon join the long line of women who disappointed by his decision. As a popular preacher A'a Gym's speech is widely influencing, so I am afraid that his poligamy will inspire people to do so. I don't really care If some lay people take a second, third, or fouth wife, but I do really concern with A'a Gym's decision because he has the capacity to change the perception of Indonesian toward poligamy. I do scare if Indonesians are getting more and more tolerant toward poligamy in the future.

If poligamy becomes culturally accepted it is really scary for women's life. A friend told me of poligamous culture in Mali, Africa. He said that the practice of poligamy has been widely accepted in Mali, even men are socially supported to do so. Instead of desperately sad, a Mali woman would be proud if her husband is getting married again. Instead of defending, a mother will encourage her daughther's husband to get another wife. As a result of this poligamous culture, men in Mali enjoy a convenience life because their wifes are competing each other to give better services to the husband.

Years before (during Bu Tien Soeharto's era) poligamy considered as negative. But now I am afraid that Indonesians are going to be more tolerant to poligamy soon. There is indication of it; you can name some top government officers or members of paliament who have more than one wife.

A friend of mine (a guy) asked me why am I so angry with A'a Gym's decision, while poligamy considers as legal in Islam and his wife was also accepting the decision? He said it is natural for a man to love more than one woman, poligamy then considers as better choice than love affairs.
Yes, poligamy is legal in Islam but the Qur'an actually dicourage it. One important requirement for a man who want to have more than one wifes is that he should be able to do it justly, and Qur'an highlights that it is almost imposible to be a just husband. So it is better for a man to married only one wife.

Why Qur'an discourages poligamy but do not prohibit it? We should understand the sociological contect of that time. During Muhammad's life (around 600 AC) the Arabic people were frequently catch into tribal wars. So many men died in wars, and there were so many wifes and children lost their protectors. Then poligamy at that time was understandable, it were not safe for women and children life alone without having protectors. Yet still Islam limited their previous poligamous habit to marry only up to 4 women---one reference mentions that the 4 wifes limitation of poligamy was also practice in ancient judaism---. The discouragement was also seen in Muhammad's life, he told his daughter's husband, Ali, not to married another women when Fatimah still alive because he didn't want to see her disstress. It is clear now that Islam discourages the poligamy. It is not a sunnah, instead a makruh (you will be praised if you are not do it)**.

So shortly poligamy has nothing to do with Islam.

In my view poligamy is more about power relation than regious discourse. It is a matter of power relation between men and women within their households. There is only one formula for a power relation, anybody who has more power or has more resources s/he will able to pressure the other to follow her/his wills. Poligamy usually happen when the wife is powerless, especially if they are economically dependent to the husband. Imagine, can a woman say no when her husband want to get married again, while on the other side she has no job, has no money, but has so many children.

So you women, don't be fool; be strong and independent!